thunderproof | 𝒊𝒏𝒃𝒐𝒙.

❰ there's a slight pause in her movement, and then a quiet intake of breath as adalia rolls her shoulders. discretion, right. she's trying to prove something, recently; that she's able to be discreet and quiet and can take hits on the chin rather than meeting them with hits of her own. stand tall, stand quiet, hear more than she speaks so that when she does speak she can do so from a more advantageous position.

but it's hard, and she's not quite prepared to take such talk from him. ❱

The Lord Vauquelin can afford many things, but it was not for his money that I spent time with him.

❰ ya basic, alacruun. ❱

[ A part of him is amazed at how much this hurts. It's a tiny voice, buried by the way that every exchange seems barbed. Made quiet by the way the simple thought of her turning from him makes his heart contract as if someone had wrapped their fist around it and squeezed. Some of it is just that simple draconic greed, but another part of it is deeper. And that surprises him in a way because he's never really examined his feelings for her beyond a surface level.

He's wanted her. So he could have her. Here that's not true. Here he had the idea that she would "come to her senses", something that was reinforced by their drunken talk a week or two ago, but now-

Now he just doesn't know what to say. ]

I suppose you will have no further need of me, then.

[ He's stiff and a bit wooden; his usual smooth tone has vanished. At least for the moment. ]

❰ that makes adalia roll her eyes, and now she turns around to face alacruun, hands on her hips, staring up at him with naked annoyance. ❱

I have one night where I feel good, and I'm happy, and because it has nothing to do with you, suddenly I have no need of you at all, poor put-upon Alacruun! You're unbelievable. Are you only kind to me so that I'll be with you? Is that all you want from me?

❰ it's not exactly a new thought, this idea that alacruun only treats adalia the way he does so that she'll be on his side in the end... but it was one she was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt on, at least for a while. let him show his true colours, one way or the other, and only then would she judge him.

seems his true colours have appeared. ❱

You are an addition to my life, you are not the sum total of it. You never have been and never will be, not ever. So if that's really all you wanted from me, then no, I won't have any further need of you.

How else am I supposed to feel when you act is if you might return my feelings and then act as if they don't exist a few days later?

[ He spits the words and this is probably the first time he's actually lost some of his composure in front of her. She knew about how felt, so why couldn't she be considerate of that? Why couldn't she at least have said something, as if he didn't matter?

Ah.

Something clicks in his head and he straightens with a little twitch in his facial expression, something unreadable as pieces fall into place. ]

That is not - I have never wanted just that from you. I care about you. That's why ai'm kind; because I see - because you deserve it.

[ His eyes flash as he stares down at her, half-stooped in the tent. ]

I just -

[ This is what she's meant. This horrible hollow feeling that you're not actually wanted by a person who you care about far too deeply for your own good. ]

I thought... I thought my feelings were understood and I would rather you would've told me that you didn't return them.

[ He's stiff again. He doesn't enjoy making himself vulnerable or on edge. He's not in control and he loathes it. ]

This is — it wasn't about you!

❰ is that even a concept alacruun can grasp? dragons are natural narcissists, and alacruun may be the worst offender in that regard. maybe the idea that adalia made a decision that he didn't factor into at all just won't make sense to him. ❱

Alacruun, whatever I feel for you, whatever we are — I kissed you. I didn't make you any promises. I slept with that man because he was there, and he was handsome, and he was interested, and it had nothing to do with you. Not a thing.

❰ which, quite possibly, speaks poorly of adalia. it is rather cruel to have slept with another man knowing how alacruun feels about her, she'll admit to that, but alacruun didn't really enter into her mind when she did it at all. maybe if he had, she'd have chosen differently, but he didn't. whatever alacruun feels, whatever future he's experienced, she doesn't love him the way he loves her. there's fondness, yes, and intrigue, but if he expects her to act as though they've made promises of exclusivity when adalia has done nothing of the sort —

and yet, he says she deserves kindness, and she can't help but be thawed just a little. ❱

I do things that aren't about you. I always will, no matter what we are to each other. If you see that as cruelty, then you don't care about me. You want to possess me. I may have sold you my soul but I will not sell you me.

Edited 2018-06-04 02:25 (UTC)

[ It really is hard for him to wrap his head around the fact that, no, it really doesn't have anything to do with him. She didn't do it to spite him or reject him or make him feel awful and there's cold comfort in that, because he still does and he'd like it to stop. Emotions are awful things; this is why he's never allowed himself to be emotionally invested before, but -

But.

Maybe he understands a little better now. He's still stiff and uncomfortable and as far away from his typical smooth, self-assured tone as she's likely ever seen or heard him. ]

It is not in me to treat you like some plaything on a leash.

[ Although he does think he knows best, he also doesn't just want some prisoner that he can yank around for his amusement. He could have that if he wanted. It wouldn't be the same as... this. Whatever this is. And he doesn't know how to express that, because he's never had to before. ]

Isn't it?

❰ there's less accusation in adalia's voice than exhaustion, now, and she refuses to break eye contact with alacruun — she remembers, maybe better than he does, dreams of transformation and despair and turning into something she never wanted to be. maybe he's beyond treating her like a plaything now, but it's not not in him. if he thought it was necessary, or advantageous, he'd manage.

still, he seems to have accepted that he doesn't get to be angry about this, and that's something. small, but something. and in return — ❱

I can't promise I won't do something like this again — I can't imagine why I would, but I didn't plan on tonight, either, so who knows — but if I do, I'll try to be less obvious about it. I'm sorry I hurt you.

[ In his defense, he thought it was a great gift.

That said, he should pay better attention in general. And try to be less of an asshole about how he does things. But - he's him. He is who he has chosen to be. That doesn't change overnight. And probably won't change all that much, in the end. ]

You're free to do what you like. I can hardly say differently.

[ Still stiff, but a bit softer. ]

You can be as obvious as you want. I-

[ Hmmph. He hates this. He hates talking about feelings. It's vulnerable and exposing and he isn't in control of this conversation. ]

I just want to know where we stand.

❰ welcome to being a person, alacruun. you're never in control and you're always vulnerable. ❱

Do we have to stand anywhere? ❰ adalia heaves a sigh, finally dropping down to her bedroll and rummaging through her pack for a hairbrush. ❱ We're friends. I enjoy your company, and I appreciate the way you treat me when you're not being a dragon about it. Kissing you was nice, but I was drunk, and I don't know if I'd do it again if I wasn't. I don't know if I'd do a lot of things before I end up doing them.

❰ absolutes and constants are not generally things adalia deals in. most things she does are spontaneous surprises to everyone, including herself, and she doesn't mind that at all. living according to a schedule, trying to contain herself, those things she minds. not that she's opposed to being tied down — taking one lover for the rest of her life sounds perfectly lovely... later. when she knows herself better, when she trusts alacruun more, when she can imagine a future for them that isn't her killing him. maybe things were different for them in toril, but here she has more options. he isn't her sole problem, and she has a life that isn't dedicated to either saving or destroying him. ❱

Edited 2018-06-05 03:21 (UTC)

[ Friends. That's - not exactly what he expected to hear. He's never really though of them as friends, which is odd, but that's mostly because he's rarely thought of himself as really having friends at all anymore (and rarely ever). He makes a little noise like he's clearing his throat and then settles back onto his bedroll with a frown. Despite his bulk and size, he doesn't really do anything besides sit. ]

...well. I suppose friends is something.

[ He is disappointed. But even friendship is a step up from outright hostility. ]

And how else am I supposed to be about it? I'm a dragon. [ He might be slightly indignant. ]

❰ it's a strange word to apply to their relationship, given all the givens, but... adalia enjoys spending time with alacruun, finds him engaging and funny and kind, when he wants to be. she likes him as much as she likes anyone else in thedas she would consider a friend — more, sometimes. if they aren't friends, what else are they? if she can't admit that they're friends, how can she ever expect him to treat her like one? ❱

Hey, if you're so disappointed by it, we don't have to be anything at all, ❰ she snaps, defensive, but at the same time certain that he'll back down at the hint of a threat that she would leave him. ❱

You're qunari now, ❰ primly. adalia turns to him and brushes gently through her hair, untangling knots with her fingers. ❱ But even if you weren't, I don't believe at all that you don't know how to act like a person-who-happens-to-be-a-dragon rather than the other way around. I'm not a trinket to add to your hoard, or a possession to covet. That's not how friends treat each other.

I didn't say that-

[ Alacruun objects with a frown. She's so... jumpy. Or at least willing to try and manipulate him. That's sort of impressive, honestly. ]

I am temporarily a qunari. I am still a dragon at heart. Even when I masquerade as something else, I'm still a dragon. It is in my blood.

[ Insulted at the idea that he might not be a dragon anymore. Hmmph. ]

I don't want you to be a trinket. That's ridiculous.

𝒊𝒏𝒃𝒐𝒙.

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